Said and Unsaid Marks

People have different marks in your life. Some would inspire you to do the things you used to do. There are people who believed in you and you take courage in them. But there are people that the more they push you away, the more you get disappointed and sad.

Once there was someone who brought the music back in me. Well, he inspired me a lot in studying the piano again. I tried to pick up my notes and my chords and try to start from them - maybe because we both feel connected in music. It was in music that we started to be friends. It was in music that we spend our breaks with or when we have nothing to talk about. Dream, right? Well, it didn’t last long. Coz’ it eventually died down. People change and people leave.

So, I began to go back to the things I used to do, blogging – no one even tried to inspire me to do it again. It was my outlet of joy and tears, of learnings and regrets and of setbacks and successes.

Maybe because I expect too myself from myself and too much from others, that’s why people tend to leave.

Of all things, feeling all alone, and said and unsaid goodbyes are the saddest.

Feeling all alone – it scares me just thinking I am alone, that the people I value the most would eventually leave. That is why leaving puts a big scar in my heart. Often, I send random messages to friends – a gratitude and thoughts of hope and tears that they wouldn’t leave me no matter what. It may sound that I might be begging for companionship – but that is how I value friendship – I wanted them to feel that they are important in my life that they too have a place in my heart. If it might’ve offended one or more, I am sorry, I never intended to hurt or to put burden of any sort in you. Knowing you are there for me and knowing someone is listening – that’s enough for me.

Coz, I know I my heart, I wanted to be valued and appreciated. Who doesn’t want that? Everyone needs it, right?

Then, what is the good in goodbye? It has never been good, it has always been the other side. So, what is the difference in said and unsaid goodbyes. In said goodbyes- you know why the person has to leave, while unsaid goodbyes leave you to no good, no reason, no anything, and leaves you empty handed and questions why. Why does he or she has to to leave? Did I do something wrong to make him or her leave? It leaves you disturbed and unimportant.

Reasons or no reasons – both makes you sad, but all you can do is to UNDERSTAND; maybe these people has their own troubles and doesn’t want you to get in the way.

But what saddens me are – promises, a promise that he or she will never change, that he or she will be there no matter what happens. Is it true or is it just a matter of making you feel calm? I don’t know. He or she might have reasons but only he or she knows it.

God, help me to calm down and to understand people. I know I am very sensitive about others and I tend to assume if I caused hurt. I am sorry in any other way that I caused people to feel sad or bad about anything I did. Forgive me Lord. Amen.