Tears and Hopes

People don't seem to understand why past has its connections. Past had happened but often it would haunt you eventually when things aren't going the way you wanted to be.

It could have been better. It could've been ok. Everything went smoothly, but it failed. I wonder where it went wrong. Or is it because I just wasn't enough. That me is not enough that you'd find another one. One that would and had hurt me most. One that one knows, it wouldn't be ok. Do you get me, or i just don't get it?

I am a person who has her own wants and own fears. I had and have my fears -so don't get me wrong. I am imperfect and I want what's mine as mine and what's not mine, not mine.

I wish you understood. That sometimes, plain sorry is enough and doing something about it is great. Sometimes the easiest solutions to problems are the most neglected.

It hurts when you thought, someone understood, but in reality didn't really do. It hurts when someone knows you well - but I guess, you didn't really know.You would never understood me, but glad, one understood.

Sometimes I ask myself, is there still happiness out there? Or am I just hoping for something vain?

Troubles and tears come- but i had to be focused! Focus on my goal - the board exam.

Dear God,

You know my troubles - from preboards, to life, to family- You know I have already burdened with all these things coming; but I know you will and never will leave me alone. I am tired but please give me strenght. Please be with that person and bless the person well. I know I am hurt, and I don't know if that person does- but please I pray that the person will be fine. I am scared of things that are happening. I am scared of being alone. I am scared when people's promises are thown away. I am scared of being left behind. But of all, I am scared of not being fought for. But I know Lord, behind these fears and weaknesses, You are there. and there are reasons for these that eventually I will understand. Thank You Lord. Amen

Everything Takes Time

Preboards are done, and here comes a new beginning - starting over again.

As the song goes, starting over again is not the easiest thing to do. We had our fall-backs, but we have to stand up.

I realized this afternoon, it could be really heart breaking going over your preboard exams. The moment you turn and flip those pages, you'll say, "I did what I can do and why is it not enough? -  at the end, you still fail. I wanted to cry but yet, crying wouldn't help. I wanted to go home, but escaping is not the answer. We go through problems, left and right - but why do these things don't go away in just a snap.

Going back...

When I was taking the exams, I pushed everything, even those that I didn't know. Answers came in as they go. I grew tired because I tried to depend on myself, but the moment I let it go - God was in control. It felt lighter than the beginning. But as they day pass, Practical Accounting 2 made all the difference - my battery died down - I was tired. But when I remembered, I told myself - Cheer up Ja! God was with you, why worry? Then I was all smilling again - felt like there were no problems at hand anymore.

Remembering what happened last Sunday and Monday - why do I feel so sad and really felt so down and bad? I am scared, tired and disappointed. I am disappointed with myself. Gathering all my scores - it made me more sad. Tears wanted to roll down, but I have to control myself -  because I wanted to be strong.

No matter how I make myself happy - Eating what I like, doing what I want, going out with my friends - why can't it all answer my emptiness.

No matter how hard I try to be positive-minded, why can't I smile for myself. Why can't I put back the smile I had the time the exams was over- WHY?

Realizations....

Everything may take time. I may not feel better now, or tomorrow or the next day. But I know, it will be ok - I will be ok - In God's time.

Dear God,

Lord, I am scared and tired. Help me. I can't carry this anymore. I surrender all my load to You. Help me feel alot better. Help me to believe in myself and to believe in what You can do in me and what plans You have for me. I do believe these things happen for a reason. And I claim Your promise...

"Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out." 1 Corinthians 10:13

Amen.